I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay