One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad