1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.