If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Pandas 🐼🖤
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.