Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
This meeting could have been a cake
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family