“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon