Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN