FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
This guy gets it.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.