The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
This meeting could have been a cake
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.