My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
You Might Also Like
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.