Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date