Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’ll be mad as hell!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.