Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
reviewed some movies recently
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?