The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
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liiiiiiiiike
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Don’t forget to tip your server
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”