It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The news
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!