[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”