“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*