I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Interior design 👌
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”