Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?