Cake safety first. Always.
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
rise and shine we got egg
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.