Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Great game to play with friends
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
What a website
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
blocked.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.