Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.