Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE