Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.