Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
(Electricians.)
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}