My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My love language is hissing.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not