[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
What the hell happened in there??
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Mmmm canned fish.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
☺️
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.