Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I’m too immature for adultery.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?