‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.