excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft