My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?