Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My Plans 2020
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.