On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
BRO LMFAO
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The Joker was right
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Word!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.