#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
scares
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Everyone’s family
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?