Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.