Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
🤣😂🤣
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.