I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”