When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.