*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.