i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Expect the unexporcupine.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Who chose this font
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going