me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Banking tips
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud