When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*