Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.