i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
How can I say no to this ?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
🍞🦆
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?