As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The first matador
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me sliding into hell like
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*