I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
giddy up Office Depot
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
peak technology
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon