the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”