At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I wish I could veto my bills.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye