🥶🥶🐶🐶
You Might Also Like
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
bad news gang
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”