Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My background check bounced.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit